Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Thank Goodness for Good Neighbours.

 It's been awhile. I have been wanting to post but I guess the procrastinator in me is back again. New year's day was creeping up yet I didn't have the inspiration nor strength to blog. I was under the notion that this blog of mine would just end up like the old one. If that happens, it would really be sad indeed. At least for me.

New Year's Day has come and gone. I can't believe it's 2011 already. This year will mark my third year living in the sandpit. I'm yet to decide whether the move has been good or bad for me. It's still a win some, lose some situation for me right now.

I've been feeling a tad low off late. Dunno if it's hormonal or I'm just on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I've dismissed my cleaner, decided that I could manage on my own however I'm feeling a little overwhelmed right now. Being a stay at home mom isn't a bed of roses. I guess my biggest problem right now is I just can't seem to come to terms that I am not Superwoman.

I don't know what is going one with me these days. I really don't. I feel hopeful and inspired one minute, and hopeless and frustrated the next minute. I find myself scrolling my phone book time and time again but at the end, I just decide that there is no one on my list that I really feel like talking to. I've met some really fantastic people here, but I'm not just there yet with them to really consider them a confidant.

I feel hopeless, frustrated and alienated. Sometimes I feel like I may even be dying...and that just makes me feel even more desperate. I feel tired, I can't sleep and when I do, I require herculean effort just to wake up. What bother me most right now is the feeling of anger. I feel angry at myself, angry at my friends, angry with my husband and really angry with the kids. Poor babies. I love them dearly but I doubt they realize it as all they see is an angry me.

Before I went to bed last night, and I wasn't even feeling tired but I think I had an out of body experience. I can't even begin to describe it...well, to be more accurate, I don't want to describe it but it was a very frightening experience. Subhan'Allah. I woke up chanting "Allah Huakbar" over and over again. Turn over, pulled my little one close to me and went back to sleep all the while still chanting that powerful verse. May Allah show mercy on me.

I woke up today and prayed and prayed to Allah to lighten this burden I am feeling. I cried on the praying mat for Allah to show me some mercy. Allah heard me.

This evening, I had a meltdown. I really don't know what came into me. I was trying to have a conversation with this really nice friend but I was actually tuning out on her chattering. Baby H and Cheeky M were driving me nuts playing with the door of the gym and at the sight of my neighbor M walking out of the gym smiling away and asking how I was doing, I burst into tears. I excused myself, muttered I had to fix dinner and pick up AD Daddy, screamed at both Baby H and Cheeky M and drag my 2 children home with them sobbing all the way home.

I couldn't believe how I reacted and just left the kids at the door and went to lie down on my bed in my darken bedroom sobbing away. Then, my door bell rang and cheeky M called out for me saying someone's here to see me. I reluctantly got up, quickly splashed water to my face at went to see who it was. It was my neighbour M. She ran in and immediately embraced me while soothingly saying "I know. I know how you feel." I didn't say anything and just started sobbing again in her embrace.

Just like that, I began to feel much better. I felt my spirit lifting up again. I finally felt calmer after the many weeks of anguish. I will forever be grateful to M. Although I couldn't tell her what was going through my head all these weeks, her sympathy and concern was enough to extinguish the misery out of me. We chatted a bit and she was very understanding of my predicament, and thoroughly concern for my well-being. That one moment, it was all about me, the person. We may be of different nationalities, different cultural background and different religion but we are both a mom, put into similar situation. I will forever be grateful to M for her kindness and for lending me her shoulder to cry on.

Thanks to M, the scale just tipped a little, win some outweighing lose some on my decision to relocate. Bless you M. You will forever have my gratitude for showing me some kindness and being there for me when I needed someone the most. Thank goodness for good neighbors! Now I have a reason to smile again. :)

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