Saturday, June 11, 2011

Birthday Blues

In four days, it'll be my birthday. My 34th birthday. 6 years away from the big 4-0! OMG! I feel practically ancient. I don't know if it's just PMS (Aunt Flo is due for a visit in a weeks time) or depression but I feel downright miserable these past few days. Urgh. Turning 34 doesn't seem so appealing after all.

I recall my special day during my childhood. It was exactly that and even more. I was super special just for that day. I'd be spoiled, pampered and treated like a queen. My parents
gave me the very best VIP treatment a child could possibly have. But as the years passed my VIP status has been mercilessly downgraded. However, I never stopped hoping to get a taste of the VIP treatment I had back then when I was wee one each passing year only to be disappointed year after year. To make matters worst, I had the brilliant idea to get married on my birthday, hoping that the double celebration would even out things. Ding! Big mistake. Big. Huge. Now instead of being disappointed,  now I get double the disappointment.

ADD comes from a family that has never acknowledge birthdays. It was truly a shock to my system. Ever the optimistic, I thought I could change all that. I was wrong again. You can't teach an old dog new tricks especially when it's an obnoxious, stubborn, insensitive dog.

My late father always made a big deal over birthdays. He put it in my head that you must make an effort. I remember one of my mom's birthday. My dad had made such an effort to provide her that special VVIP treatment. Flowers at work. Surprise shopping spree at lunch and a romantic dinner, just the 2 of them. I can't fault my late father though, it has always been in his nature to be the perfect Prince Charming. I truly believe that in this day and age, man like him are far and few.

When I was little, it was a big deal to do something special for the family member on their birthday. We'd make a card, a gift, buy stuff if we could afford to but most importantly, that day we let them get off with anything even murder. ;)

I try to teach the kids the same as what I was taught when it comes to birthdays, but they obviously take after their dad. If their dad is that way, what are the chances I could make them any different? I guess they unknowingly learn by example.

Anyway, knowing what to expect when I'm expecting (my birthday that is), I've decided to ignore my birthday this year. It's also my 10 year anniversary which like every other year, I'll just make a little gesture and expect nothing in return. I'm planning to switch off my phone, hide in the house and just drown in my  misery.

It's been awhile (8-10 years) since I had made a wishlist for my birthday and expect to get anything on the list. Just for the fun of it, for the sake of my own amusement, I think this year I'd like to think of 10 things I would like to receive on my special day although chances are slim to none that I will get it. So here goes;

1. A gorgeous canvas quilt Dior bag in beige or red.
2. A white Mahima LV handbag worth AED 11k. (Eh? The Dior bag is much cheaper so why did I put it as number 1? Must be that middle child thing/insecure person in me. )
3. A 2 carat diamond ring. Diamond's a girl 's best friend..and I have none. (And my teeny, tiny diamond wedding ring doesn't count as you can hardly see the diamond.)
4. A nice chunky solid gold necklace and bracelet! I think I'm at the age where I could actually carry it off! ;)
5. AED50 000 cash. (Dunno why 50...but I've always liked the number 5 and 5k seems minuscule.) :P
6. A domestic helper. If it was my old helper, even better! I really do miss her. :(
7. ADD and kids organize something special for me like a surprise party ( and I won't have to clean afterwards as well!)
8. My kids would make me something heartfelt and surprise me with it.
9. I'd be mommy and wifey free for exactly 24 hours. No worries about chores, food, kids, husband.
10. Turn 18 again and be just me.

That's it. I did it. Finally, my very own wish list. Now looking at my wish list, deep in my heart, I think the ones I would like the most are the ones that are impossible to achieve. *Sigh* I miss being me. I haven't been me for so long that I'm actually afraid to become me again. Somewhere along those 34 years, I've lost myself. I've lost that hopeful thoughts of being Queen for a day. I'm resigned to the fact that I'll never be Queen again, ever.

I think I'll hide out on my birthday this year, switch off mobile and just stay clear from the general public. *Groan*. Depressing thoughts again. :(

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